Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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