i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
