I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
