I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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