Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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