can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
