Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
