I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
