I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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