Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
