Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
