Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
