Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
