im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
