ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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