Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
