My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My ATM looks so different sober.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
