No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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