guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Randomize
