i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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