I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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