My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
