he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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