Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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