Having a random hookup so left but love u
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
