he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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