1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
