Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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