its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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