She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
