I look better un-naked...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
