Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
