We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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