I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
