She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
