found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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