I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
