I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
