Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
