That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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