Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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