im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
