hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
