I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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