so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
