Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
