I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
