That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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