I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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