i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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